This is something I wrote about 3 months postpartum of having Axel and only shared it on Facebook. Something I never talk about is the person I was after having him and how I never thought that postpartum depression was really a “thing” until I went through it myself. Of course every woman’s experience is different, but becoming a mother for me was very life changing and my mind took a turn for the worst.
I wanted to be happy…I wanted to enjoy this beautiful bundle of life I introduced to the world. I loved him so much. But things I never wanted anyone to know was how I felt when I had moments to actually sit down and “think”. Honestly I don’t think I was ever doing just that. My mind was gone…I was someone else. Someone who I wasn’t happy with. I was depressed and disgusted with myself. I cried constantly and felt numb to almost everything. I looked at myself in the mirror and felt extremely gross and ugly and that I’ll never be attractive to anyone…or myself ever again.
I couldn’t shake what I was feeling. People talked to me about PPD many times before I had Axel and I also read about it, but denied the fact that what I was feeling was that. I had no emotion, yet I kept crying. I worried constantly but couldn’t tell you why. The feeling that my life has permanently changed forever took a toll on my soul and I hated it. I wanted out. I loved Axel so much, and felt extremely scared that I was now a mother. What am I doing?? How do I do this motherhood thing??
Something that helped bring myself back to myself was writing. I wrote what you’re about to read a few months after Axel was born. I read it now and laugh a little, because that confusion, sleep deprivation and exhaustion still here, but it’s just my normal now. It’s also funny to read this now because I was saying all of these things and how it just is what is it, but deep inside I was in denial. But it’s no longer the unknown. And that’s what I think I was afraid of the entire time. You never know what someone is going through, especially after having their first child. I know that now and will always be so thankful for everyone that reached out to me to check on me, and just ask if I…was doing ok. Thank you.
Mommin Aint Easy
So you think you want a kid huh?… let’s talk.
Snooze button on your alarm? What the hell is that? Your baby just spit up and is now crying for you to pick him up 10 MINUTES BEFORE your alarm was supposed to go off. Great. Now you’re up earlier than planned and you’re pissed because you REALLY could have used those extra 10 minutes of sleep. He’s WIDE awake…and you’re…well awake too. You probably don’t even know what day it is. Is today even a work day?
Days blend into each other. You literally forget to even worry about yourself anymore. You worry about this little bundle of joy every minute & don’t even care if you sleep at this point because all you care about right now is if he’s breathing while he sleeps. He is, I promise. Now go back to sleep!
Your body is a temple. 🙄
Concerned about your weight? Don’t be a pig like I was while pregnant then because it’s not just going to “fall off”. Your body WILL change. A lot of it. Yeah if you’re breastfeeding then you’ll probably get skinny quick etc but not everyone plans to breastfeed. And that’s ok! (That’s another topic in itself) but I won’t get into that. Unless you’re an angel sent from God your body will most likely stretch, and form into a shape you didn’t know your body was capable of and some of you may get stretch marks. Try to embrace those beauties and not focus on the best stretch mark cream in CVS right now but the best way to be a mom. You’ll probably dislike the way you look for a little bit but soon enough you won’t even care anymore and feel proud that you survived child birth. Be prepared for everyone and their grandma to tell you one certain way is best and if you’re doing the opposite you’ll suck as a mom. Dramatic, again but close to the truth. Everyone just knows what’s best EXCEPT you. You’re not holding him right, you shouldn’t let him sleep that way, burp him like this, swaddle him like that. Momma do you and take care of that baby the way YOU feel is best. He’ll be ok, I promise. Just don’t raise him to be a serial killer and you’re good.
Hungry? First of all, if you even get a chance to eat today, HALLELUJAH PRAISE THE LORD you are amazing momma. Ok that was a bit dramatic again. BUT this is coming from a new mommy who pretty much has been living off of monsters and occasional mints I find in the center console of my SUV and stale pringles in my cabinet (no time to go to the grocery store) ….and although your baby eats nothing but liquids right now the smell of fresh pot roast and garlic mashed potatoes has now sparked his interest and OF COURSE he’s up. He smells food. That he can’t even eat. Nor can you now because it’s time for HIM to eat. 20 minutes later, your restaurant takeout is now cold and you’re forced to warm it up in the microwave and now it’s not even near as good as it was 20 minutes ago and you’re just over it. F.M.L
Laundry? Dishes? Be prepared for those to stack up. Quick. Along with all the bottles and new baby laundry as well. Sleep when he sleeps huh? Ok well what about the OCD moms like myself that can’t stand to look at everything in the house that needs done and as soon as you decide to take a nap when he’s napping you’re debating with yourself if you should just throw a load of laundry in. Real quick…then I’ll sleep. But now baby is up again. Shit, should of just slept when he was sleeping. Fail. Again. Fml.
Get Ready for the Day? L.o.l.
Getting yourself ready is not even a thing anymore. You’re probably throwing on yesterday’s clothes, throwing your hair up in a bun or still wearing yesterday’s bun, may or may not have time to brush your teeth and makeup…sorry love you might as well just wait until he’s 16. Get used to rocking it all NAT-U-RAL. You probably haven’t even showered in a few days. Rinse up love, and stock up on that body spray. Jk lol that was Gross haha.
Remember Netflix and chill nights with hubby? Date nights? Movie nights? Bar nights? Random last minute plans to do something fun? Nope. Not anymore. Those have all transitioned into baby nights. And days. And nights. Dramatic, again, yes but what I am telling you is semi close to the truth. At least for me. People tell you they want to babysit and you think you’re gonna utilize all this pre offered baby help until you start thinking about pawning off your baby to your friends and family and it slightly freaks you out. Actually if you’re like me, you have extreme anxiety thinking about your baby staying with anyone overnight except you. Although you’re also thinking about all the time you’ll have, sleep you may get and makeup you may be able to put on it still scares you. So you’re stuck. Again. With baby.
Were your fur babies your babies before baby? Mine too. Now baby is home and now fur babies are feeling alone and neglected. At least in your head you think they’re feeling that way. So now you’re crying again. You’ve convinced yourself you such a bad real mom and now even a fur mom. Trust me they’re ok…it took me some time to realize that too but I promise all they want is a few head rubs and an occasional treat. Every time your big furry pup looks into your eyes you feel sad that you forgot to feed him this morning because you were too busy tending to your baby. It’s ok, he probably would just rather go outside anyways and run around. He’s not sad. He’ll adjust. He’ll probably even grow up and be besties with your new baby. Give it time.
Hotel Newborn Baby
You weren’t a people person before your baby? Well hello people person Polly you better set all your opinions aside and get ready for your house to turn into a museum (free entry) every day of the week with your newborn on display. You are now chopped liver and seeing your precious baby is now the talk of the town and anyone and everyone just HAS to come by and hold and kiss on your newborn. Including people you’ve never even met before. Not even joking. Yes it’s awkward. But you’ll manage. It won’t last long but it will feel like an eternity and once again, you’re getting no sleep. Not because of baby this time, but because you’re also having to entertain guests checking in and out of your house 24/7.
Your routine is now his routine so get over that right now. You’re going to cry. Maybe every day. You’re going to feel like your life is over and that nothing will ever be the same. Well you’re damn right! You’re going to think “what the hell have I gotten myself into?” “Am I fit to be a mom?” “I don’t know what I’m doing!” “My friends don’t want to hang out with me anymore.” “I have no time for myself anymore” “I can’t even take a shower” “Brush my hair” “Paint my nails” “Put deodorant on” Hell,put some chapstick on! (Kidding)
You think I’m writing this in my “free” time? Think again. Baby is in one arm, hand is holding the bottle and the other is writing this article. This isn’t me trying to stop you from having a baby because it’s honestly amazing. But I’m coming to you from the opposite side of the story that no one tells you about. You’re never going to be prepared…try as much as you want before that baby gets here and I guarantee you when he makes his grand arrival, you’re going to feel so unprepared it’s not even funny. Especially when you bring him home for the first night. Soak in all that free time and 8 hour sleep filled nights and be ready to throw those out the window.
You’re not going out for awhile. Prepare yourself for that now if you’re a night owl. You’ll have plenty of late nights with baby now. There’s your fix. Are you seeing people go out not too long after having their baby? They’re courageous. Go them. 😳🤣
Omg congrats you actually put on a real outfit today! Baby is crying. He’s fed, he’s good, you’re feeling awesome. Squirt. Baby just spit up all over your new boutique shirt you just ordered ONLINE because you still can’t fathom to be seen outside of your house with dark circles and dirty hair. Fml. Back to a tshirt you go. Back to feeling like “why freaking me”.
You are bringing a new life into this mad world we live in. It’s not a baby doll. It’s a LIFE. Please don’t be that selfish individual that just has kids for financial benefit and neglect all the essential things needed for the babies well being. Again I’m being dramatic but hey, they’re out there and well…JUST saying.
Don’t Rush It
So you think you want a kid? Be sure about it. Be sure that you’re ready for your life to change forever. Be sure that you’re ready to look at this beautiful baby you and your hubby created everyday and fall more and more in love everyday and remind yourself that you’re doing everything you can to be the best parent possible. You will adjust and it will get better. Nothing compares to the experience of having a child. It’s overwhelming but rewarding in every single way. My purpose of this rant article is to give the raw and honest truth of being a mom. At least in my eyes. It’s not always giggles and cute pics with stickers and lollipops, it’s hardcore shit. Be ready if you’re thinking about having a baby. Once you do, you’ll forget about everything else. Loving this baby is your number one priority and you’ll never feel the love that you do for your child with anyone or anything else. If I’ve offended anyone with what you just read, I truly am sorry. Most of this may just be a product of no sleep and hunger so cut me some slack. Now that I’ve scared you to death and you’re probably calling the doc for a refill of your birth control, good luck and remember, you’re doing a good job. I needed that when I had my baby boy and sometimes still do. Anyways, baby is hungry. Got to go.
Sleep deprived, first time mommy who’s taking this new mom thing by the balls! 💋